I’m starting to feel blue again. I’ve really been trying not to, and for a while I wasn’t, but it’s happening again and I’m finding it harder to supress. It’s like I’m reminded everyday of why I’m so fucking useless, and then I’m just expected to take it easy. But being told to “just relax” by people who have things going for them is difficult to absorb because, and I don’t want to sound typical, but no one really understands. Like, I’ve always thought that if everything went wrong (which is likely to occur) I would have english as a backup for the foundation of my career. You know, taking into consideration that I have never genuinely put in any effort into any english course and still managed to pass with grades above average. But then we got back our english diagnostic today and I didn’t do well on it. At all. Merely looking at the paper was unnerving and made me anxious as hell, I thought I was going to flip a table or something. I even tried talking to the teacher today, but it’s hard when they repeatedly inform me that it was just a diagnostic and that is doesn’t define who I am and whatever. Well you know what, fuck you. It might have been a diagnostic, but it reflected my lack of knowledge in the only fucking course I felt safe in. And it does fucking define who I am, nobody is willing to acknowledge the fact that you can be no good at anything, which so happens to be my case. If I’m not good at anything, I will resort to obsessing over my grades and let them define me because nothing else does. I have a shit personality, I’m not physically appealing, I closely resemble an abnormally large whale, I lack brain cells, and everything I touch, I destroy - there isn’t a single aspect of me that could get me anywhere. I want so much to be reassured that everything is going to be fine, but I want it to be true. And to be completely honest, I don’t see myself alive past 20. Also, since I’m venting anyway, I just want to rage about the stupid doctors that consistently inform me of my “low self-esteem” and “distorted perception”. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. I didn’t just wake up one morning and tell myself everything about me was wrong - I saw it happen. I don’t have to be sick to see it either. But apparantly, if it doesn’t make sense to them, it is the equivalent to be completely mental. That, or they just aren’t allowed to agree with me, consequently diagnosing me with whatever they fancy. It’s getting really tiring. I don’t need to hear you threaten to put me in a hospital, or send me to therapy, or talk for endless hours about my perception of things - I’m never going to be happy the way I am, I need to change, and I need you to stop telling me I can’t.

1. santasmokesweed said: Gyal don’t worry everyone failed the English diagnostic in grade 11. I failed it too but I still did well in the course. Just because you’re a little rusty (like everyone else) doesn’t mean you should worry! u r still talent and thats all that matter
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3. -imperio posted this